Because Sex-Ed Sucks and We Can Do Better

Do you remember what sex-ed was like? Was there some kind of demonstration of a condom on a banana or did they just split up the boys and girls and talk about deodorant and tampons? Did you have a painfully awkward Birds & Bees talk with your parents? (My mom said, "Don't have sex but if you do there are condoms in the drawer.") 

Most people I know have some kind of hilarious/sad story about sex education. That's why my daughter, Kavi and I are on a mission to design a new kind of sex education program. There are definitely some good ones out there but there are a lot more bad ones.

In fact, on a recent trip to the library for resources, I found a current sexuality text book for ninth graders in Oklahoma. There was a whole chapter about LGBT issues (yay?) which included the sentence,

"You might be lesbian. If so, you should know lesbians have a higher risk for depression, heart disease and smoking."  

WTF? For starters, are only women identified people reading this book? Ugh. 

The first step of our project involves research. So to start, we have a Wordpress site where you can take a survey about your education and sex experience. This will help us gather data about where to focus our energy and what an ideal experience might be like. 

We're trying out the name, FunBod (something I came up during my Core Align fellowship when I was hoping to make a Queer Period Tracker - who knows maybe I still will!) but we are open to feedback. We're hoping to create a model that celebrates the body instead of shaming it and makes facilitating a conversation around sex less awkward and more helpful. 

Please consider responding to the survey and sharing with others! 

Shelby Simpson Says We're All Bad In Bed

A couple months ago, I got an email from a local author named Shelby Simpson (local by way of New York, New Zealand and Thailand.) She said she was publishing a book about embarrassing sex stories and after receiving some pushback decided to reach out to women in Oklahoma who might have some experience talking about sex publicly. 

Seeing as how I have plenty of that experience and it happens to be on  my favorite topics, I eagerly accepted the invitation for coffee. 

After bonding over 90s hip hop, we got to such important business as: 

If Oklahoma had its own, unique sexual position, what would it be called?

Lauren: “I have three:

1. The Fracking – This is when you have to wait for the ground to shake to get off because your partner is too busy jacking off in a wad of toilet paper and hiding it in the bathroom.

2. The Falin – This is when you ignore your own body parts and just do whatever it takes to get your bank roll off.

3. The Thunder – This is where you’re fucking your significant other, and you pretend you’re really into it, but you’re actually watching Russell Westbrook on TV.

Somewhere in the process, I not only rapped for her but we unpacked some of the weird shit people say when you talk about sex or bodies or being a woman and all the shame we collect because of it. 

I shared my #1 favorite Youtube comment: "If you would just close your clown car vagina, that would not have happened to you." In response to my poem, To The Oklahoma Lawmakers which tells the story of assault & abortion. 

And she talked about how a co-worker asked her what her dad would think about her telling her sex life to the whole world which prompted asking women to share their stories. 

There is nothing more threatening than a liberated woman, I suppose. 

Read the whole interview here and check out Shelby's latest book, We're All Bad In Bed, hitting stores this month! 

Fake Trees and Meltdowns

No matter how broke I’ve been, I’ve always had a Yule tree. I’ve bought live ones, dead ones, and fake neon green ones from the good Goodwill in Midwest City.  

I think it’s because my mom was like that. We could be living on peanut butter and crackers and we’d still have a gorgeous tree. Decked out in thrifted ornaments or homemade paper garland. She made every holiday feel so very special. I like to say, she can make dust sparkle.

My mom likes to tell the story of the Ponytail Holder Christmas. I was three and it was a year that she was so broke all she could afford to get me was some pretty ponytail holders.  She wrapped each little bundle carefully, and she says when I opened them, I said, “Oh my! Pretty ponytail holders! Just what I have been wanting!” She still cries when she tells the story.

Since I’ve been a parent, I have tried to make holidays feel that special. I tried so hard that in my first 8 years of being a parent, I did not go one Christmas Eve without crying. Partly because I was married to a narcissist who who hated holidays and partly because I had unrealistic expectations of the perfect way things should go. Even in my new relationship, I’ve spent holidays crying. Nothing wrong with crying, but sprawled on my mom’s bathroom floor at the Solstice party isn’t a great look. 

A couple years ago, for the first time, I had the money to make a really special Christmas for my kids. There were Xboxes and tablets and every little thing I thought would make them light up on Christmas morning. Then a week after Christmas, our house was burglarized. Every thing that required electricity was gone. 

I felt so defeated.

Since then, I’ve been working on letting go of my vision of the perfect celebration. I’ve been transitioning from the commercial idea of Christmas/Santa to a more meaningful version of Winter Solstice and Yule. Creating traditions that have much less to do with stuff and more to do with appreciation and reflection.

This year, I did not cry on Christmas. In fact, I did not even put up a tree. And you know what?

My festive world kept spinning.

I did not stress out about presents. Some folks in my family got some and some didn’t. I didn't go to any holiday parties. The kids got three presents each and were more than happy.  

On Solstice, we made You Boxes. Personalized boxes to stick notes of gratitude and favorite memories. We had Solstice soup and watched Broadway musicals.This year, my partner and I actually sat down and wrote out what we wanted our family traditions to be like. We made plans for a handmade Solstice next year and what we wanted to do from Thanksgiving to Sun King Day (aka Christmas). That way, we won’t have to stress + we know it will be meaningful.

It will be sloppy and honest and memorable. The way it should be.

Fun Feminist Frolic For the Week

When I first started blogging, I thought I would try to do a weekly post called Feminist Friday where we round up all the good things & weird things happening in the feminist wilderness and just, I don't know, acknowledge them. Like hanging them on a clothes line and seeing it as a linear progression that will one day be part of the whole shift. 

And let's just say, I got side tracked and never really did that column. But today is Friday. It is Black Friday. It is the Black Friday after the election where we elected an internet troll as President. Not to mention a troll with 120 some odd charges against him, some of which are sexual assault charges. A troll who said such horrific things that I spend most of my last two therapy sessions dealing with the trigger fest this election has been. A troll who lost the popular vote by two million votes to Hillary Clinton who would have been our first mother/grandmother to hold the highest office. 

Now, I -- I know -- I know we have still not shattered that highest and hardest glass ceiling, but some day someone will and hopefully sooner than we might think right now. And to all the little girls who are watching this, never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams.

The most bizarre part of the election is the blind siding I felt. How oblivious I was to the rampant racism and sexism and the MACHINE OF FAKE NEWS THAT IS FUELING IT. 

So right now, I feel motivated to look at it. To call it out and say this is what people are seeing, how can I be an agent of change today? 

SO THIS WEEK IN FEMINISM:

1. FEMINISM HAS MADE WOMEN WEAKER THAN EVER

In TownHall, another right wing click bait tank, Dennis Prager argues that these days, Feminist identified women are weaker than ever because they can't take misogyny like they used to. Why his grandmother never even heard of the F word and she was stronger than any of us. He says that the truly strong woman is the one who can stand up in her college class and say that even though she wants a career, she is hoping for  a good man to marry. He says that all the comments that Donald Trump made aren't misogynistic but just juvenile. Basically it comes down to:

Modern feminists are afraid of life. They are afraid of differences of opinion. And they're especially afraid of men.

Because women these days are concerned with safe spaces and trigger warnings, Prager claims that we are all scared of life and of men. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with the fact that 1 in 6 women are sexually assaulted in their life time. Or that 63% of sexual assault cases go unreported in their life time so most likely that number is much higher in reality. I don't know a woman who hasn't had some experience of sexual violence or harassment. And yet, somehow, we keep going on  talking to men, sometimes being married to them, being in the world with them and generally living our lives. 

2. THE FIRST MUSLIM WOMAN MP IN AUSTRALIA DELIVERS POWERFUL SPEECH 

Anne Aly, a member of parliament in Australia ( a congresswoman), talked about her experiences with sexism and misogyny while holding public office. (She must be a really weak woman for holding a national office, dealing with all that shit, and continuing to serve her constituents) 

You can view the whole speech here. 

My favorite part was: 

We will never enjoy true gender equality until the most marginalized among us can enjoy that success.. We are not separate voices that whisper in the background we are and should be front and center...We need to find capable intelligent women of colour to go out and apply themselves in all areas. 

3. Queer Feminist Chicanx Punk Band, FEA, has a new record on Joan Jett's Label

Have you heard about FEA yet? I just did and I am so excited. Fea stands for Fuck Em All and is also the Spanish word for ugly girl. They are from San Antonio and they make me want to jump up and down and whip my hair back and forth. 

It is now more important [than] ever that as a queer, feminist, Chicana punk band we continue to make the music we do [and fight] the good fight of equality for all. Now is the time to love, stay strong, and support each other.”

4. WHITE FEMINISM KEEPS FUCKING UP

What started at as the Million Women March is now being called the Women's March on Washington after some women of color called them out for co-opting a name that was used by black women in the eighties. I often feel about white feminists the way I feel about Oklahoma: ashamed but I can't deny that I am from here. I have to take responsibility for the dumb shit we do. 

I think the Women's March is a fantastic idea and if I can get it together to go, I want to go, mostly to just see if that many uteruses on the mall can change the menstrual cycle of the planet. one of the founders of the event, issued a statement saying how all of that went down but the fact is, we just have to do better. We need intersectional feminism. None of us can get anywhere if we don't lift up all of us. 

5. FEMINISM IS MORE THAN A T-SHIRT

I enjoyed this article in The Week that analyzed the rise of the style of feminism and how it may or may not be helping the cause. I've felt conflicted with the whole Pantsuit Nation and the shirts that say things like Nasty Woman or Pussy Grabs Back. Mostly because I hate amplifying the words of an internet troll and because this election has already ruined some of my favorite dirty words. 

When you see shirts on the other side like "Trump that bitch" or read posts like the one above, it is easy to get filled with rage. I want to delete every person in my life who doesn't get that feminism is for everybody. But the harsh reality is that a movement or ISM like this one, is only made of it's people. It is made of relationships. Trump supporters deserve reproductive justice too. No one deserves what's coming.  I am really seeking ways to choose empathy and compassion over rage and avoidance. It's an everyday struggle. 

I used to think this woman I went to work with was a terrible example of Christianity. She was always trying to get people to come to church with her but I would always think, you are so mean, why would I want to come to church with you. You aren't a very good ambassador for Jesus. Which makes me wonder if I am a good witness for the gospel of feminism. 

Would people want to come to church with me if the church was called Intersectional Feminism and I was the pastor. Who is in my congregation? Who can I love on today. 

6. Self Care When The Patriarchy Is Losing It's Shit 

I was really grateful for this unapologetically woo article from this yoga studio in Tacoma. Self care tips for this time of great shifting. Take care of yourselves, love. We are stronger together. 

Vision Wheel and Naming Your New Year

As I mentioned in my last post, I name every year. 2022 was called Everyday Sorcery & Radical Nourishment. Some folks have asked how I come about a name for the year so I thought I would share with you my process for doing so. 

If you want to get super witchy, I also like to print out a wheel for the year and draw things I see happening during those times or words that I think of for different seasons/sabbats. 

Click on the photo to download PDF for printing. 

VISION QUESTIONS & NAMING THE YEAR

What did you completely rock this year?

What things did you get mildly better at?

How did you surprise yourself?

Did you have any big transitions or unexpected things happen? How do you feel like you handled them? What do you feel like you learned from them?

Looking back on the last three years, what areas have you seen a lot of growth in?

Over the last three years, what have you wanted to accomplish but haven’t?

Are there any patterns or habits that you’d like to change this next year?

What phrases, mantras or quotes have been resonating with you a lot lately?

What verbs, nouns or images seem to continually be showing up in your life?

What skills would you like to learn this year?

What projects would you like to work on?

If you could only accomplish one thing this year, what would it be?

What would your Highest Bad Ass Self tell you about this year if you listened?

What words keep coming up or make you feel more powerful or excited when you say them? 

This year is called: 

11 reasons 2022 was called Everyday Sorcery, Radical Nourishment

About this time, I name the upcoming year. This is not news to many of you. I name everything. My last three houses have been named: Clementine, Persimmon & Clover. My car is named Sir Lady Heartbeat the Millionth Millionth (an homage to a Shira Erlichman poem). I like to say, 

If you name things, they are less scary. 

Here is a running tally of the names of my most recent years:

2012- Quit The Dumb Shit
2013- Fuck It, We Made It, Let's Have Sex On the Roof and Eat The Moon Slow (also a title of a chapbook I made that year) 
2014- Just Be Intentional About It
2015- True Refuge, Small Fortunes
2016- Everyday Sorcery & Radical Nourishment

Maybe back in 2012, I was just trying to be practical. Over the years, I've started casting a bigger vision. I spend most of December reflecting on what I learned in the year and what I hope to work on in the next one. 

Sometimes it's helpful to sit down and write about the year to reflect on it. Here are my vision questions and the wheel of the year that I like to use to look at my growth and future planting. 

2016 wasn't completely a shit year. Between the continued killing of unarmed black folks and the mass tragedies like The Pulse shooting and the Election, it sure feels like it some days. 

But it was also the year of Hamilton and America choosing to replace Andrew Jackson with Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill. Here is a more thorough list of good things that happened this year.  

For me personally, I feel proud of a few things that happened for me and/or my community.

1.  I WROTE A MUSICAL

Well it was a script to a musical called King of Queen about a trans guy who sees Freddie Mercury as his guardian angel. SET TO QUEEN SONGS. It was a collaboration with Balthazar and a bunch of incredible musicians like my bestie, LaRissa Conn. BALTHAZAR WAS FREDDIE MERCURY. We got to encore the show at OKC Pride in front of thousands of people so that was definitely a dream come true. 

2. CORE ALIGN IS THE COOLEST THING SINCE ROE V WADE

From Repeal Hyde Art Project (created by a fellow from Core Align)

I finished a Generative Fellowship with Core Align. Y'all this organization is everything you want to exist in the world. It is about using practices of innovation like design thinking and user centered development, things used in the tech and corporate worlds, in SOCIAL JUSTICE FRAMEWORKS.

Specifically reproductive justice work. They also do a Speaking Race to Power Fellowship that works through issues of racism and white supremacy. Critical work y'all. I met so many rad folks doing good work in the world. It gave me hope. If you or someone you know, might be interested in a fellowship you should peep the Core Align website for dates and app requirements. PS. I am so excited that Candace Liger is going to be a fellow! Bad ass Oklahoma poet.  

3. LOVE, SEX, FAMILY, COMMUNITY

Core Align also asked me to help with some poetry and art work at the Innovation Convening which was an incredible gathering of people who are working in social justice where we furiously created solutions to problems centered on the theme of Love, Sex, Family and Community. Basically, this is part of an effort to try framing Repro Justice with this language. Everyone deserves to have as much or little love, sex, family & communityas they want, however they want it. I'm really geeked about this organization and the people I met through these events, in case you couldn't tell. 

4. YOUNG, QUEER, BLACK WOMAN ELECTED TO GEORGIA HOUSE

Park Cannon was elected to State House this year and spoke a the DNC and I played MASH with her on the Core Align bus. (Read about her on CNN) A Gen Fellow from my cohort, it was so neat to see my friend get elected to office and then at our retreat we got to brainstorm legislation for the next session. She is the second black queer woman to be elected to that seat but she is the youngest in the House. Everything is not bad. Plus, look at these women of color elected to Congress this year.  

5. INDIGENOUS FOLKS ARE LEADING A MOVEMENT THAT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD

 

I know you know but shit, can we acknowledge Standing Rock and #noadapl for a moment? I can't talk about the good things of this year without shouting out this resistance movement. Yes, it is terrible that they have to do this. Terrible that while we were celebrating Thanksgiving, they were being shot at with rubber bullets and sprayed with hoses in below freezing temperatures. But this prayerful resistance has the attention of the world. It is the most inspiring movement since the Anti-War & Civil Rights protests of the sixties and Black Lives Matter. The activists I know that have been there say it is like nothing they have ever seen. It will go down in history. Possibly as the year we finally realized we can't keep shoving our greed and sludge into the earths pockets and expect the planet to keep going. We have to protect our water, our earth, our people. One of the most inspiring things about it, is that it is not white people. White people are asked to be allies and stay in prayer while at camp. They are not the saviors. This is not burning man. This is a great lesson in how to sit back and listen to the people who have been leading real culture change since the beginning of time. 

6. ICAH IS SEX ED THAT IS LIKE LEGIT AND SHIT

They have been existing for a while but I just discovered ICAH, Illinois Caucus for Adolescent Health so that basically means they just started this year. JK but their performance based Sex Ed inspired a musical that Kavi and I are working on.  ICAH is everything you want Sex Ed to be. It breaks down stigma, focuses on reducing risk, and is queer inclusive. I want Oklahoma to have something like it. I also learned about Nikki Zaleski who is such a bad ass. You should follow her.  I am going to say bad ass a lot in this post and in life. 

7. YOUNG, GIFTED, BLACK POETS ARE DOMINATING THE GAME 

I mean, this is life and always but I am so proud that every time I log into FB, my feed is filled with folks winning awards and taking names. I want to talk about everyone but I am just gonna name a few. 

Angel Nafis won the Ruth Lilly. THE RUTH LILLY AND DOROTHY SERGEANT ROSENBURG POETRY FELLOWSHIP. That's a big deal. You should know about her and how she was on the cover of Brooklyn Magazine and how she is the grandest of grand. One of my top five favorite poets. 

Danez Smith is still the champion of all things literary. Technically [Insert]boy came out at the end of last year but I am still in it. He has a new book out on Button called Black Movie and he has gotten all the prizes. Watch his video Dinosaurs in the Hood like right now. 

We don't deserve Hanif but he exists. Hanif Willis-Abdurriqib is writing for MTV now. I mean, he wrote the MTV Awards this year, folks. His new book, The Crown Ain't Worth Much is everything. Every time he has something to say about something, I listen, I share, because it is what needed to be said.  

Here  are more poets of color that doing incredible things. Like Fatimah Ashgar, Jamila Woods (singer on Macklemore's White Privilege II has a new album, OMG.I support these artists because they are incredible artists but also they are doing important work and they need to be lifted up higher than ever now. 

8. SUBTLE CREATURE EXISTS 

Every year that Shira Erlichman continues to let us be on the same planet as her and continues to make poems and music is a year that is good. This year she made a new album called Subtle Creature that everyone loves and some new videos and I can't get enough. 

9. ALIGNING AND CONVERGING 

This year my love, Kai Ridge who is FTM and has been aligning for two years now, got top surgery and had his name legally changed. When the judge asked why he chose the name, Kai, he said, "Kai has several meanings. One is unbreakable. I thought that fit." 

I am so proud of him. Also, in our aligning, he asked me to be his wifey partner. And gave me a fancy ring and everything. Here's to folks aligning with their true self and finding the one who will converge with their realest shit & potential majesty. 

10. MOOSEY MARBLE CAME INTO OUR LIVES 

Kai found our sweet Moose when she was only six weeks old. She was in a busy intersection and had some kind of green paint all over her. We took her home and became her forever family. We took her on a 5,000 mile road trip. A month ago, SHE GOT HIT BY A CAR BUT SHE IS STILL ALIVE. It was terrifying but the picture above was taken after she was hit and was banged up but just kept on trucking. #miracles You can see her life in pictures on my instagram or the hashtag #mooseymarble 

11. THE CHILDREN, Y'ALL. THE CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE 

I am unapologetic about my adoration of my own offspring. I can't get enough of them. They are doing this theater thing like whoa. They have been in 5 productions this year and Briam is starting on his first grown up production this month. They have been at the theater sometimes for 11 hours at a time. They are professionals. They have blown my gourd with their growth and talent. 

Also, I've taught poetry in schools from elementary to high school this year. I've been from Alaska to Iowa this year, and it never stops amazing me how the young people on this planet get it. If it was up to them everyone would love each other and we could have as much sparkling juice as we could drink. 

It's Quiet Uptown AKA The Unimaginable Election of 2022

My grandmother died a month ago today. That day felt like it does today. 24 hours after realizing this whole election was not a joke. Donald Trump is going to be our next president. This is real. This happening. It feels like a death.

All the theories about Trump just being a ploy of the Clinton campaign to get her elected were obviously not true because here we are. She is not our president. Trump won 58 million votes. He won. I can't believe I am typing that. 

The exit polls tell us that the white women without degrees are a huge reason Trump won. I am a white woman without a degree. I did not vote for him but I feel as much to blame.

I stayed in my blue bubble. I did not reach out with love and respect to women who live in a different paradigm than I do. I did not engage people who believe differently with empathy and consideration.

I chose my personal comfort and safety over coalition building and radical collaboration. I underestimated white supremacy and misogyny. I was blinded by my own privilege.

I did not do enough. I did not do enough. 

I decided today I am going to chew every bite of this bowl of sorrow, intentionally and compassionately but tomorrow I am going to get to work. 

In 2010, I wrote a poem called To The Oklahoma Progressives Plotting Mass Exodus. I wrote in this same kind of despair. When I had: 

a sick pit in my stomach, a plantation in my front yard. 
the static flicker of black and white, 
an absurd talking picture where sepia skin
has become villain 

 I wrote that poem in thirty minutes while crying at my desk. I wrote it to convince myself to stay. 

In the last six years, I've received so many emails saying, "Your poem is on my desk, I read it whenever I want to flee." I get apologies from people, "I know you said to stay but I just can't. I have to leave." I know people who have tattooed the words on their skin, "Here is where we need you." 

Today in the wake of this horrific election result, I was tagged in numerous posts with people quoting me. 

Do not let them drive you away.

Don't leave. Here is where we need you. 

Progress is a series of small, bold moves. 

I didn't realize how badly I would need to read my own words today. Some people emailed me and asked if I could write an updated version for America. Someone asked if I had anything to say to lift their spirits. 

I got nothing, y'all. I'm scared. I'm sad. Just like you. I want to stay and do the work but that's easier for me to say, I am a white cis woman. 

Many of you know that my partner, Kai, is trans. He is scared for his life. He is lucky to pass but his birth certificate still says F and he is so scared he will not be able to have access to testosterone and the climate of hate will make it unsafe for him to be here. Not to mention the supreme court cases that will decide on trans rights. 

Our children are terrified. Kavi came in the bedroom crying. She showed me a tweet from someone who said, "I want Trump to get elected so we can do whatever we want to women." She recently confessed to me that her number one fear about going to college is being assaulted. I cannot look her in the eye and say that won't happen. 

My cousin is a middle school history teacher in Baton Rouge. Today she had her students write whatever questions or concerns they had about the election. This was one of them: 

What do we say? How do we move forward? 

I posted on Facebook that I think the people in the liberal coastal cities need to move inland. We need help. We need a break. Move out of those expensive cities and move to the red, red heartland. We need to make America purple again. That's not a real solution. 

I don't have any answers. What I know is that whoever the hidden voters were, they were dissatisfied with their lives. They are scared for their children. 

Now more than ever, we are allowed to hide from each other. We can hide posts. We keep friend circles of only people we agree with. We shape our algorithm to show us only what we want to see. If we want, we can spend an entire day, never communicating with anyone who disagrees with us. 

There is no growth in hiding. 

If there is anything good from this election, it's that we can see each other now. We can see, in plain sight, that 58 million Americans are terrified of losing white supremacy. 58 million Americans do not trust the government. 58 million Americans think that a narcissistic billionaire with unethical business practices is better for the economy and their personal well being than a woman who has spent her entire adult life preparing for the presidency. 

There is something wrong with our messaging. We can see that clearly now. What we can see, we can fix. 

“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart

Update of Queer Feminist Wedding Planning

If you are one of the five people who has read this sporadic blog of mine, you might be wondering what ever happened to the wedding. Wasn't that supposed to be in September? And you would be right because we had originally planned to have a wedding in September and then we started pricing all of the things: the venue, food, photographer, circus goats. You know, the usual. There was a lot of "$1500? That's a trip to Europe!" So two things happened. 

1. Kai accepted a travel contract in Washington so we spent the summer in PNW
2. We decided we'd rather spend the money on the bigger adventure we'd been dreaming of. 

The plan is to still get married of course, but we want to do it when we can do it right and to do it right, we need to do some other things first. So here is the new plan, in case you are following along at home.

Yep. We are becoming full-time RVers. Like those homeschooling Christian folks you see with 12 kids in a fifth wheel, or those retired couples with 150k rigs posted up in Palm Springs playing croquet. Or not so much like them but with the spirit of having less stuff and more experiences. 

I've dreamed of doing this since 2008 when I bought my first motorhome and then economy tanked and I was scared to quit my job so I sold it and put the fantasy on the shelf. But this year, the kids are doing online school and Kai is able to accept travel nursing contracts all over the country so we can literally pick anywhere we want to go for 8-13 weeks at a time. If we are ever going to do it, now is the time. 

STEP ONE: PUT SHIT IN STORAGE, MOVE INTO MOM'S, BUT FIRST TAKE AN EPIC ROAD TRIP

The first step in the plan, happened back in June when we sold a bunch of stuff, put the rest in storage and took off on a 5,000 mile trip to the PNW and back. Two teens and a puppy in our SUV. We called it the #marblefamilyadventure after our dog, Moosey Marble. 

Sweaty and makeupless, the day we packed up and hit the road. 

When got back from our trip, we were even more confident that we could maybe make this a bigger reality. If we could survive a trip like that, crammed in my Mazda Cx9 and camping in tents in the 30 degrees of the mountains, then we could definitely live in a comfy trailer for a while. 

We are lucky enough to be able to live at my mom's house while she is living at my grandmother's house so we can save money to buy a truck and travel trailer. 

We're not in love with living here, other than the location and her amazing kitchen. Mostly, because there is barely any room for us (and maybe because everyone has issues with their childhood/teenage home. Don't they? Or maybe that's just me) but we are making it and so immensely grateful that we have this privilege. It makes it feel like the timing of this plan is especially good.

STEP TWO: BUY A TRUCK TO HAUL OUR HOUSE 

Step two of the plan was to get a truck. Boom. We did that this week! Here is our new to use 2010 Ford F250 that will pull our house. We wanted a diesel for two reasons. 1. It's better for towing and lasts longer. 2. We may decide to get super crunchy one day and run that shit on biodiesel/waste vegetable oil. I had a friend who did that and his car always smelled like yummy pho. 

For now, we aren't gonna be much crunchier and sustainable than downsizing our whole lives to a 300 feet travel trailer and being as conservative as possible with energy usage. Frugal living as activism type shit. Baby steps. 

Now that we have the truck, the kids are getting excited. For a while now, it's just been this distant idea and kind of like Yea Yea Yea we've heard this idea before, but now it's real. 

STEP THREE: GET A BUNKHOUSE TRAVEL TRAILER TO LIVE IN 

Here is where we are right now. We decided on a travel trailer or fifth wheel rather than a Class A motorhome because we need a bunkhouse layout for the kids to have their own space. (Quad Bunk if anyone is in the middle of researching. It took me a while to realize we needed a QB model so that it's not just two tiny bunks stashed on the side. Once I realized that, it made researching so much easier.)

It just so happens that Kai's sister has a QB style bumper pull trailer. We won't have to finance it and we can just pay it off in chunks. When we get it (hopefully by the end of November) I can spend December renovating it and getting it road ready for January. 

Until then, I am going to get rid of more of our stuff and decide what we will need to not kill each other after the first week. 

That's the current update. I will go back to wedding planning at some point but adventure planning is so much more fun. 

PS. We are most likely going to be on the west coast from Jan-March and the east coast from April to June so if you or anyone you know are in those areas and would like to book a show, hit me up! laurenzunigabooking.com 

The Wolf Sex Poem by Jeremy Radin

This is my favorite poem this week. I heart Jeremy Radin and all the things he does in his work. 

How to Write When It Hurts

I got a message from a friend recently asking what to do when writing becomes too painful. Like in those moments when you're going along writing in a good rhythm and suddenly you hit on something that is difficult and it makes you want to stop and/or throw your notebook across the room. I thought I might share a more thorough answer with you. 

1. Create a container for your writing.

First, it helps to create a container for your writing space. Even if you are just plopped on your bed with your laptop, you can light a candle or rub a little essential oil on your wrist (I like cedar, lemongrass and clary sage) or grab a stone like tourmaline or amethyst and put in your lap. I like to use something tangible to create the space but you could also just set an intention. Here is a little spell/prayer you could say: 

2. Create a container for your memories. 

Like it says in the prayer, let this work be a cauldron let the cauldron have a lid. (This trick is courtesy of my therapist.) Before you start writing or even when you are not writing, when you are just riding the train or driving to work, imagine a place that feels safe that you can visualize yourself in and return to whenever you need to. Mine used to be a meadow with a big oak tree now it is a white stucco house on a huge piece of land surrounded by trees where four grandmother guides are waiting to help me through my brain/heart. You can make it whatever you want but imagine yourself there and then imagine a container. It can be a sturdy suitcase or a heavy trunk. Mine used to be a clear plastic container with green latches that I once purchased at Target. Now it is a cauldron with a lid. Imagine yourself putting memories in there. Difficult memories. The memories you want to write about. When you start writing and you come to a place where painful memories come up an you aren't sure you want to deal with them. You can picture yourself placing each one in there like a photograph. Then close the lid. Seal it up, lock it. Put it somewhere. Know that you can always come back to it but that for right now, imagine that they are safe there and you are safe and you have done good work. Sometimes just knowing the container is there, makes me feel safe enough to continue going through the memory. I know this sounds woo and weird and it is but if you are reading my blog, there is a good chance you believe in the woo and weird as much as I do. It helps, just try it. 

3. Metaphor is a storm shelter. 

Like Rachel Mckibbens once told me, it is okay to keep some secrets for yourself. If you think this is something you might ever want to share. Or if you are not sure you can even get it out. Turn all the characters into inanimate objects. Give the experience one long metaphor. Maybe you are a horse and that dirty house was a barn. Maybe the tree at the end of the road is your father. Maybe the relationship is a garden of weeds. The friendship is an ice-cream shop with no electricity. When you create a metaphor for the experience or the people, it is often so much easier to navigate. 

4. After care is not just for sex. 

I first heard the concept of after-care from body positive BDSM folks in the Bay. It is a ritual you create for yourself and your partner. Maybe cuddling and massage. Ice cream and ointment. You know how it works. It's something I've started doing post-show. I think we all have an after care ritual for intense things whether it is healthy or not. My post-show after-care used to be to drink bourbon or mindlessly scroll on my phone in the car for half an hour. But recently, I made my self a pre and post show self-care kit, with flower essences, essential oils and crystals. It helps me reground and not have a vulnerability hangover the next day. Figure out what your after care will be when you are finished engaging with disturbing or painful shit. Maybe veg out with Netflix or put on a fuck ton of make up. You do you, boo. And do it intentionally, compassionately, and patiently. 
 

Not the moon, not the bread, not even the uterus.

The last time I wrote a blog post was five months ago. I could say it's because I went on an epic 5,000 mile journey with my family this summer. I could say it was because I am back in school this semester and have been too busy. 

But I don't think that's it. 

A month ago I went to my therapist like I have been doing for two years (after I finally started to work on some trauma that was bubbling up like an angry, crusty blackhead) and I told her I how I felt like I was in a fog. It is a struggle to wake up. When I drink two Americanos I still feel like I could go to sleep at any time. I feel like I am disappointing everyone. She asked me some questions and followed with, "Lauren, I think you have clinical depression." I have no idea why this was such a shock to me. 

For a while, I had been having some really low bouts. One time I wrote in my journal, 

I can't eat food, I can only abuse myself with it. I don't want to watch poetry videos. I hate brilliant people. Especially brilliant women. I don't want to listen to happy music. I don't want to listen to sad music. I've been looking up things to make me happy and I hate all the things. I went outside and the wind made me cry. I didn't take a picture of the dead insect in the hallway.

But I've always had low periods. When I was a teenager my grandmother asked why I smoked pot when I was already natural sedated. When I get in arguments, I want to go to sleep. Plus things have just been kind of hard lately. My grandmother has been dying for four years. My uncle died of a heart attack last year. My grandfather died of lung cancer just before my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It must be the new moon. It must be my hormones. Maybe I need to have my thyroid checked. I just need to power through. I need to stop eating carbs. No more bread. Everything is great in my life, I can't possibly be depressed. 

I say all that to hear myself say it. To read it in black and white and notice how bizarre it sounds. I know it doesn't have anything to do with how great your life is. Rachel Maddow has depression, for goddess sake. Kid Cudi came out about it. (A major inspiration for this post.) People with extraordinarily beautiful lives have fucked up brain chemistry. It is honestly a relief to know it doesn't have to be so hard. 

Basically, I've been on anti-depressants for a month now and I am amazed at the difference. It's a balancing act, of course, but I already feel like I can manage things better. I've been writing every day. I've been eating healthier, exercising more. More importantly, my brain chatter has quieted. The stuff about what a disappointment I am, is just a faint whisper. I am not a failure. Not for messing up, not for taking medicine, not for having an imbalanced brain. In fact, I am proud of myself for finally prioritizing myself enough to get help. Also, shout out to Obama for giving me health insurance for the first time in my independent artist life. Shout out to you for taking the time to read this and for every ounce of compassion you have shown yourself today. Let's keep holding each other. 

 

Everything Got Some Secret Shit

Found poem from Toni Morrison's Song of Solomon

5 TIPS IF YOU WANT TO TRY SPOKEN WORD

Something I get asked at shows around the country is how I got started in spoken word and slam poetry. To which I reply: I was a rapper. Obvi. I was a rapper who could not freestyle and spent more time doing drugs to number my feelings than writing rhymes in my rhyme book. Then someone invited me to a poetry open mic. I was two days sober after being robbed at gunpoint for $132, aka my entire paycheck from the frozen yogurt shop.  

In 1999, Lauren Zuniga believed poetry was for nerds. In 1999, Lauren Zuniga was actually Lauren Barry and was going by the rap name Ms.Verse (short for Universe because I was a conscious rapper.) Basically, I didn't know how my life was about to change. I won my first slam with a badly written rap and I won $12 two cigarettes and a condom. I had never won anything rapping So, I decided poetry was my calling.

I've learned a lot since then about the artform, the competition and my passion but here are some tips if you have just discovered this genre and think it might be for you. 

1.  FIND YOUR OPEN MIC

Maybe you have been watching spoken word poetry on YouTube but you have never actually heard it live. Get out in the world. Find your people. Almost every city has one and if you don't have one, start one. All you need is a room, some seats and people willing to share their work. You don't even need a microphone. You just need an agreement that you are going to support each other and bring new work and at the very least show up. If you are lucky enough to live in a city where there is more than one open mic, poetry reading or poetry slam, then check a few of them out. See if it feels like a supportive atmosphere. Most cities have more than one spot and they each have their own vibe. Sometimes they are an older crowd who are less performancey. Sometimes they are a poetry slam but they have an open mic at the beginning and you can test it out before getting into slam. Sometimes they are really diverse and sometimes not, so find the one you feel most comfortable in and if it doesn't exist, start your own! 

2. BRING SOMETHING NEW & SOMETHING OLD

Maybe you just wrote a poem about sea creatures as a metaphor for your last relationship but you aren't really sure if people will understand what the tentacles represent. You can read it on the mic and then see how people respond. Maybe they are blank stares. Maybe they laugh at the sad parts and frown at the funny parts (some audiences are just like that though so don't take it personally). You can ask people afterward if it made sense and then bring that piece back in a couple weeks when it's better. So, make a goal of having at least one new piece each week.

This is good for two reasons:
1. You write a lot of things.
2. People won't get tired of hearing the same poem from you every week.

You see this a lot in slams. People want to win a slam so they do the same poem every time because it scores well and they never challenge themselves. Also, people in the audience quietly groan every time they say the first line. Don't be that guy. Bring something brand new and fuck it up. Read that one first to get it out of the way then do something you've been working on. maybe you have it memorized now and you can perform the shit out of it and leave people with a strong finish. The main purpose for the open mic is the community. You want to create a culture that encourages first drafts and collaboration.

3. LISTEN

This may seem obvious but you would be surprised how many people go to the open mic and then sit outside smoking the whole time. Or they text or talk or take pictures of themselves doing this artsy poetry thing. They might decide they don't like someone's work because they dress funny but totally miss out when that awkward person has the line of the night that could have inspired everyone's next poem if they'd heard it. Be someone who listens. Be someone who takes notes. Who can point out what they like and what they don't like and then give constructive feedback later. Also, you will make friends this way. Be the one who says to the poet, hey I really liked that line about your grandmother and the maple tree and they will be your BFF forever. 

This might be a good time to tell you, if you don't already know, that snaps are really only appropriate during a poem to show the poet that you liked the line they just read without distracting them. After a poem you want full force clapping not snapping. You don't want the room to sound like a rain stick. Feel free to NOT snap. Feel free to just listen (and maybe moan occasionally.) 

4. DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR PRESENCE

You usually get 5-6 minutes on an open mic. Do not spend half that time explaining what a piece of shit the poem you are about to read is. If you don't like the poem, then don't read it. No disclaimers. Just start reading. And take the time to learn how to use the mic. It's fine to have a hard time with it your first time but ask someone to show you how it works. You can test it before the show even to make sure you are comfortable with it. When you get up to the mic, I'M ESPECIALLY TALKING TO WOMEN, take us much time as you need to get the microphone at the right height and then speak directly into it. A good rule of thumb (haha) is A THUMB'S DISTANCE AWAY FROM THE MIC. Do not stand ten feet away or have your head down or say I'm sorry thirty times when you mess up. This is your time. Use it. You have as much right to be there as everyone else. 

Once I was featuring at an open mic on the east coast and the host was really tall and loud and talked a lot between each poet and when the women would come up after him, they would struggle to get the mic to their level and be sheepish and apologetic and no one was doing anything to show them how to be on the mic . But when the men got on the mic they would grab it confidently, speak directly into it and say their poem like it was worth saying. So during my set, I stopped and did a mic tutorial just in case it was the only one they would ever get. 

5. GET OUT OF YOUR OPEN MIC

Once you have found your home slam or reading, go check out some other ones. Get out of town. I have the good fortune of touring open mics and poetry slams all over the country and I always tell people that if they want to get to know a city they are visiting, find their open mic. That's where you really hear the news of the city. In Las Vegas, you will hear poems about strip clubs and working at the Statue of Liberty bobblehead factory. In Maine, you will hear poems about fisherman fathers and birch trees. You hear the city through its writers.

You will also benefit from hearing voices outside of your community because it's easy to start sounding like each other. When I was starting out, we didn't have Youtube so the only poets I ever heard were at my slam. It wasn't until I went to the National Poetry Slam in 2000 that I saw the incredible diversity of voices in slam. The other benefit is that you will get to say poems that the have never heard before and you will be the new, shiny one everyone will want to talk to. 

If you think you ever want to do a tour, you will want to get out into your region and meet organizers of other shows. If they like your work, they might ask you to come back for a spotlight or feature and that will be a great way to get your name out there. 

Hope that helps. Let me know how it goes! Or comment with other tips for new poets! 
 

Fun Feminist Frolic FOR THE WEEK

The worst thing a woman can do in the world is seek attention. No one likes a woman who wants to be seen. - Teresa Jusino

Carolyn Cox at The Mary Sue crushes Piers Morgan and tells him exactly where he can put his Mansplaining Arsenss.  There are some great thoughts and quotes in this article including a quote from Emily Ratajkowski's Lenny Letter and the summarizing note: 

 "When her shirt’s on, men want it off, when it’s off, feminism’s dead, I guess."

Also from The Mary Sue is the fascinating review of Polygraph's Analysis of over 2,000 Screenplays Broken Down By Gender and Age which offers some interesting insight into movies (not surprising but at least it's real hard data to use at the dinner table) especially, this little tidbit: 

According to their analysis of 30 Disney films, 22 of those films have a male majority of dialogue, with the “worst offender” being The Jungle Book at over 98% male lines. Five of those movies have a fair gender balance within a tolerance of 10% difference between male and female lines, and only four movies out of the 30 have a majority of female lines. Interestingly enough, two of those four movies are Sleeping Beauty and its modern “spin-off,” Maleficent.

Of course, I don't really get why they are calling it the largest script analysis when The Bechdel Test has 6448 movies in their database, though I guess they don't contain age stats but we already know that most movies don't pass the test. The Bechdel test sometimes called the Mo Movie Measure or Bechdel Rule is a simple test which names the following three criteria: (1) it has to have at least two women in it, who (2) who talk to each other, about (3) something besides a man.

In other news, FEMINISM IS RESPONSIBLE FOR CAUSING A EUROPEAN CIVIL WAR. I couldn't read this whole article with out my upchucking my Fritos but if you are in need of anger fuel for your powerlifting sesh this week, give ol Cedric Misogyny Max's rant a gander. 

But in the land of the real things, Bustle has a great post on making Feminism more inclusive. Mehak Anwar gives seven easy steps to practicing intersectional feminism and smashing the cisheteropatriarchy. Or basically real life ways to knock people like Cedric Misogyface out without getting blood on your new shirt. 

So in short, this week is a good reminder that feminism is a verb and not a badge to wear to the book club. Must be good with power tools and/or feelings. 

You can get this rad shirt here. 

8 Tips for Unclogging your Writing Pipes

Sometimes people say they have writers block. I believe two things about writer's block:

1. You can only get it if you have been told you are a good writer. 
2. It only exists when you believe you have to write good things. 

And the truth is, you probably are a good writer and you mostly write good things but you don't have to. The problem is, somewhere along the line, someone told you were a good writer and this society is one that thinks the only reason to do creative things is if it is good (ie you could possibly sell it) so if you are going to spend your time writing, it better produce brilliance. Fuck a bunch of that. You don't need to write for any other reason than writing is what you do to make sense of things. Because your hands have to. Because you breathe better when you aren't all clogged up with thoughts. Here are a few things I like to do when trying to unclog the pipes. 

1. MAKE A LIST. 
You have probably heard this one before but it's a good one. Mostly because anyone can write a list. You write them all the time. Write a grocery list. Write ten rooms you remember from your childhood. Write ten secret worlds you have been a part of (the kitchen at the sandwich shop, your local poetry slam, your mom's bathroom). Ten cars you've been in. Ten mothers of childhood friends. Ten seems to have some kind of magic. This is mostly because the first six things on the list are the surface level images. When you start tilting your head, trying to think of 7-9, you are plunging the image submarine into the depths of your brain. This is stuff I learned from one of my favorites and someone I pretend is my Secret BFF, Lynda Barry, partly because we have the same maiden name but also because she completely changed the way I think about writing when I discovered her in 2010.  

2. SET A TIMER. 
You can light a candle or put on a good vibe playlist (If you have Spotify, I recommend the Deep Focus channel for instrumental tunes to write to) but mostly set a timer. You need constraints. You need a finite amount of time to ask your brain to write shit. Try seven minutes. You can handle just about anything for 7 minutes. 

3. WRITE SHIT. 
Write the shittiest, shit, shit you can possibly write. No metaphors, no imagery, no fucking enjambment. Just write the gunk that is lining the sides of the pipes. Pick one thing that is on that list and write about it like you are writing a letter to a friend and telling them all about your childhood sunday school room. This friend loves you. This friend doesn't care about your spelling or your deepness or that you once won a writing contest in the fifth grade for your evocative essay on the First Amendment. This friend just wants to know what the mean teacher was wearing. 

4. WRITE THE SMELL OF SHIT
You might have heard this one before too. USE ALL FIVE SENSES. What did the shit smell like? What did it taste like?  (Ewww) What did it look like? Feel like? Sound like? You don't have to get metaphorical. Be literal even. But moving off the topic of literal shit, if you are doing the childhood rooms list  for example, Did your Sunday School classroom have little sandwich cookies and tiny cups of juice? Did you wear pink Osh Kosh overalls? Did your teacher smell? like dryer sheets and Elmer's glue? No? Okay, then what was it like?

5. WHEN YOU ARE HONEST WITH YOUR FEELINGS, THAT TRIGGERING TOWN CHOOSES YOU
Richard Hugo says in The Triggering Town that writers always have two subjects, the one that triggers the writing and the real subject. He says "give up what you think you have to say and you'll find something better." He's says it's better to start talking about something else BEFORE you run out of things to say about your triggering subject. And be honest with your feelings. Did writing about your grandmother's kraut crock make you think of your grief about your father's death? Is that what this is really about? You don't know what it's really about. It's not your job to know. You are not writing to solve mysteries, your job is to render what is. Follow the clumsy trail of what is. 

6. BUT WHY? 
I like to play the WHY GAME to get more clarity on a variety of topics. Why are you a poet, Lauren? Because it is cheap and portable. Why does that matter? Because I can go into any correctional facility in the country with nothing in my hands or pockets and share art with people might need it. Why? Because when I was 18, someone shared poetry with me when I needed it most and it changed my life. Why? Because it taught me I no longer had to numb my feelings, I could write them. You get the idea. You can go on this slide for a while but for me, it helps get me out of the triggering town, and find the quiet place by the tree where I can breathe and see what's really going on. 

7. NOW BE MORE SPECIFIC
After you have written a lot of shit. After you have asked why and found the place by the tree. Go back and see if there are any lines that surprise you or give you goose bumps or make you smile. Go back and see if there is anywhere you could be more specific. When you said your father was a chefdid you mean he often poured ketchup into a can of green beans and ate it right out of the can? Instead of saying you loved your girlfriend, could you say you popped her back zits even though it is thing that grosses you out more than anything? Everywhere that you can have a specific noun in place of an abstract, vague idea of a noun, do that. It will get closer and closer to the landing place. 

8. GO CLEAN THE HOUSE
If none of this is working or you got part of the way and it got uncomfortable and next thing you know you are scrolling Insta again, then go do the dishes. Clean out your junk drawer. Organize your underwear by butt coverage. This can do one of two things. It can make you feel really accomplished or it can be the thing you avoid more than you avoid writing. This works both ways for me. Sometimes I don't want to write the thing I need to write more than I don't want to do the dishes so the dishes get done. At the very least, you will get something done and you feel better about yourself and you can try writing shit again tomorrow. 

Rachel McKibbens and The Outlast Project

This weeks #BadAssBabe is Rachel McKibbens. Rachel is a Chicana poet, activist and mental health advocate with nearly two decades of involvement exposing the transformative power of poetry to a broad spectrum of humans: from needle exchanges to high schools, halfway houses to Ivy League universities.  She is the author of Pink Elephant and Into The Dark and Emptying Field (the poem I dressed as for Halloween in 2014). She is a two-time New York Foundation for the Arts fellow and the 2009 Women of the World Poetry Slam Champion. She has numerous other accolades but I want to talk about what she means to mean and what she is about to mean to folks all over the country.

The first time I saw Rachel McKibbens perform was on the National Poetry Slam Finals stage (I think it was 2007 in Austin, Texas). I was just getting back into slam after seven years and two kids. When Rachel took the stage, people lost their shit and I thought, oh this must be one of the big dogs, let me take notes. Rachel performed Central Park, Mother's Day with a fierce, careful tone that was drastically different than most of the things being performed in slam back then (and even now, really). The poem gutted me. It was about her son giving her a handful of tulip heads but it is also about every mother’s deepest fears. 

A mama forgets what her weapons can do.
Can't know which of her failures
will be what does it. 
Tommy's turn with the belt, in fifteen years,
becomes Meaghan's throbbing black eye.

I don’t have the notes I took that day but I think it something about “Performance in service to the poem, not the other way around.” I consistently use Rachel’s work in writing workshops and quote something she said in a workshop at the Women of the World Poetry Slam in 2010.

Don't ask how I can win this poetry slam, ask what is my poem's job in this poetry slam?
What is this poems job in this room? On this page?  

And

Don't let the truth get in the way of good writing

In 2012, I planned a cross-country tour around the first ever Pink Door Writing Retreat where I had the good fortune of sleeping in a tent in Rachel's backyard. Pink Door arose out of this urgent need  for women in the slam and literary communities to engage and nurture each other in a non-competitive space. Rachel created that space and opened her home and backyard to 30 writers from all over the country. Now, four years later, after listening to feedback from attendees Pink Door has evolved into an annual event for writers of color to  promote community and dialogue among writers excluded from the dominant cultural narrative.(If you are WOC, applications are open now, go apply!) Just another reason, Rachel is exposing the transformative power of poetry and driving the culture in literary communities.

Which brings me to her next adventure. The Outlast Project.

THE OUTLAST PROJECT is a cathartic poetry event & interactive healing art project designed to empower survivors of sexual assault.  In her IndieGoGo campaign which raised 13k in one month, she says,

During a poetry tour in 2012, an unexpected phenomenon occurred: at the conclusion of every show, audience members approached me to share their own accounts of survival. I understood the urgency in this, the urgent need to be heard. By sharing my own story onstage, finally giving my experience its truest name, I was demanding myself to exist beyond  that experience. The more I said it out loud, the further I moved away from what happened.

I know this so well. One of the things I treasure the most about performing poems is those moments after a show when someone collapses in my arms, crying, and/or shares their brave story with me. It is how I know I am on the right path, the reminder that sharing art with each other is necessary form of intimacy. 

In 2014, when I was finally ready to start processing my own childhood trauma, I started doing trauma therapy and built my own altar to nurture myself through the process. I texted Rachel on the regular for support. She was always there to light a candle or cast a circle or just generally encourage me with her witchy wonder. She reminded me that I was more than what happened. That my sex life would return. That I was not alone. This is the kind of healer she is. 

So a lot of people are dealing with trauma and a lot of those people are nurtured by poetry. Many of us know that but just say: oh that’s a thing that happens but oh well, who am I to do anything about it? Rachel went deeper. She decided to go on tour with the specific intention of creating an interactive poetry show that fuses humor, trivia, poetry & song to address consent, sexual assault prevention & survivor self-care. Armed with a typewriter, buckets of glitter, silk roses, wooden hearts, a coven of hot glue guns & the mightiest volunteers in the galaxy (aka The Outlast Recovery Squad) we will assist anyone who wants to to get brave & rebuild.

You heard it, folks. Glitter AND a coven ANDANDAND poems. So not only do you get to listen to staggering poems from the High Priestess of Language but then you have the option of participating in a magical craft workshop where you build a shrine of your grief and then release it into an expanding art installation. Fuck. Yes.

Okay, so you know you need to be a part of this, right? The tour dates are already filling in from Cornell University to MacAlester in Minnesota so you can either find a city near you where Outlast will be or you can contact [email protected] to set one up in your area. 

IN THE MEANTIME, WATCH THESE WRECKING BALLS 

Who would ever choose to be the damaged house,
better to be the demolition gender
Cinderblock and dog rotted
I strutted the world

AND THIS ONE

Let the girls in the locker room corner me again
If it brings me to you
Let this wild depression throw me beneath its hooves
If it brings me to you
Let my father break me again and again
If it brings me to you

TO FIND OUT MORE GO TO RACHELMCKIBBENS.COM 

Planning A Queer Feminist Wedding Part 1

Some of you may know that I got engaged a few months ago! Or you may not. You may not know that I was married for 8 years to my children's father but divorced in 2009. You may not know that I have mostly been in relationships with women or genderqueer folks since then and have lived in 60 houses in Oklahoma City which might contribute to my fear of commitment and inability to stick with things. But here I am, getting married to my beloved anyway!

Kai is a critical care/trauma nurse, a musician, lover of space and sea creatures and lemon flavored things. We met when he hired me to decorate his apartment which was a little side gig I was doing a couple of summers ago.

Funny side note, I have a poem about him that was on Upworthy called To My Girlfriend the Trauma Nurse and when I was working a temp job last year, my co-worker, who didn’t know my boyfriend was trans discovered the poem and said, “Do you just date trauma nurses?” And I was like, what? And she was like, “You had a girlfriend who was a trauma nurse and now your boyfriend is a trauma nurse? And I was like “Same person.” And then proceeded to explain to my 60 year old conservative christian coworker that my boyfriend is trans. She turned out to be my favorite Republican. I love her dearly.

So on my 35th birthday, back in February, Kai asked me to marry him.

Why yes I did make him do it again so I could take a picture.

THIS WAS MY FACEBOOK POST RIGHT AFTER IT HAPPENED.

It happened like this: We decided to take a nap in the park before my meeting. It was my birthday and we happened to have a quilt in the car. We cuddled in the shape of a windshield and Kai said "the moon is doing good things" and I said "It looks like he is trying to rest his head on a blue pillow but the world is doing too many bright things." And Kai said, "Did you know that if you could drive your car straight up, you could reach outer space in just over an hour?" And I said "I don't believe you. That is like going to Dallas" and he said, "Did you know that humans are the only animals with chins?" And I thought about crustaceans and mammals and birds and said, " That seems righter than the space thing." And we tried to take a nap but then it was time to go to my meeting so I said, "Well, babe, let's go do life," as I put one sock back on.
Then Kai said, "Yea. Let's do life," and pulled out a small wooden box. Inside was a ring shaped like an opening, shaped like a mouth, shaped like a shining promise and I said "Are You Sure Are You Sure Are You Sure?" like no one could possibly be so sure about me and I gave him the wrong hand and he said it's the one connected to your heart and I said, "Yes. Yes. Yes, of course it is." Some kids in the park yelled like they were cheering for us but they were just going down the slide. It was just us in the park. Just us among all the chinless animals and the moon, doing such good things.

After I shared that story on FB, Mary Lambert shared it and one of her friends said, "That ring looks like a vagina” to which Kai replied, “If you are going to propose to Lauren Zuniga you better have a ring that looks like a vagina”  He get’s me y’all.

So here we are. We have a vagina ring and now a wedding date which I picked by doing two things: looking at the OU football schedule and the moon schedule. I now six and a half months to plan a queer feminist wedding which is harder than one might expect so I’ve decided to document the journey on here.

According to Pinterest, the first thing you need to do is decide what each of your priorities for the wedding are. So we did that:

Lauren’s Wedding Priorities

1. A meaningful ceremony in the company of our bestest folks, officiated by someone significant in my life.

2. A good sound system so everyone can hear what’s happening and a good photographer to document it all. 

3. To commission artists to do work as decor for the wedding

Kai’s Wedding Priorities. 

1. A good feeling place
2. A good tasting cake. 
3. An open bar

I’ve enlisted the help of Kai’s Babe of Honor, Nicole who could be mistaken for a Disney princess so she can tell me what the traditional rules are so that we can break them.

Stay tuned as we decide how the hell we are going to afford all this.

Apologies from Mattern Drive, A Pantoum

 So I finally wrote my first pantoum which a friend accurately described as "writing a waterfall." I had to write the pantoum for school but it was inspired by a prompt from Rachel McKibbens of course: 

Write your childhood in 12 apologies

Apologies from Mattern Drive

For doing cartwheels and smoking in the front yard.
Streams of toilet paper flung over the neighbor’s trees, eggs in their petunias.
Kissing the Mormon boy and reading with the missionaries.
You on the couch and in the bed and in the chair, a puddle of mother.

Streams of toilet paper flung over the neighbors trees, eggs in their petunias.
When Kait put the cigarette in backwards and burned her toddler tongue.
You on the couch and in the bed and in the chair, a puddle of mother.
I set a date for Baptism so I could be as normal as his Mormon mouth.

When Kait put the cigarette in backwards and burned her toddler tongue.
When she hit my head with a baseball bat and I locked her in the closet.
I set a date for Baptism so I could be as normal as his Mormon mouth.
I brought you another Diet Coke and told you about my decision.

When Kait hit my head with a baseball bat and I locked her in the closet,
she came out ten years later when I was about to marry a Moonie.
I brought you another Diet Coke and told you about my decision.
You said, “As long as I don’t have to get up.” And forgave me for leaving.